How are you doing, John?

It's been a busy day, starting with an early workout at the gym.  Then it was off to the first in a series of lectures on humor.  Today's speaker was Christopher Peterson, a professor in the Psychology  Department at The University of Michigan.  He is a founder of the exciting new field of positive psychology.  As he explained it, psychologists and researchers know everything there is to know how about how people screw up and how they remain screwed up.  On the other hand, no one has studied how people get happy and stay happy.  Very little is known about that, and it's the area that Positive Psychologists have been studying for the past several years.

Professor Peterson's topic for today was the psychology of humor.  I've been interested in humor for decades, beginning  when my friend Tom and I conducted workshops around the state and country on the topic of stress and burnout in education.  In those workshops, when we discussed stress management strategies one of  the most effective was humor; specifically the ability to not take one's self too seriously.  John F. Kennedy's quote comes to mind:  "There are three things of which we can be certain: God, death and human folly.  The first two are beyond our comprehension, so we must do what we can with the third."  

At one point in his lecture Professor Peterson reported on research related to spouses whose partners had died and what sort of strategies were most helpful in the grieving process.  The most significant factor the researchers discovered is that those surviving spouses who were most successful in reconfiguring their lives were the ones who had the ability to remember and talk about their mates playfully and with humor, and to be able to see humor in their lives.  

I think that by nature I tend to see the world through a humorous lens.  Since Gwen died I have found myself deliberately suppressing that dimension of my personality.  In fact there were times when I felt guilty because I had enjoyed telling or hearing a joke--thinking; that's no way for a  grieving widower to act.  Then I thought about Christmas Eve at our family gathering when I was able to don my Santa suit and attempt to make humorous comments as I distributed gifts.  It was OK for me to do that because, after all, it wasn't really me; it was this guy in a Santa Claus suit. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief when I heard that it was OK to be grieving and still have a sense of humor.  

After the lecture I had a chance to test this insight about humor at a lunch with Story Time Players; the volunteer group I belong to that reads/acts stories to classes of elementary students.  In talking with friends who are also in the process of grieving the death of a loved one we agree that one of the most difficult questions we have to answer is when relatives and friends ask us how we are doing.  We want to be honest and truthful, but, in fact, unless one has experienced it oneself, it's near impossible to describe what it's like to lose someone who has been the center of your life for all those years.  I remain surprised and stunned at the intensity of feelings that  accompany that loss.  I understand now that you won't know what it's like until you know what it's like.  That's part of the reason I write poetry, sometimes it's easier to express myself in that manner.  (I'm reminded of another quote, I can't remember who said it:  "From our quarrels with others we get literature; from our quarrels with ourselves we get poetry.")  Back to the story: at the lunch today, when I was asked how I am doing I replied as I had yesterday in a similar situation.  What I said was, "Partly cloudy and a chance of rain.")  Not only did it get a laugh, it seemed also to forestall any further questions along those lines. 

I hesitate to write about this because I don't wish to offend friends, relatives and others who I know love and care about me, and are genuinely interested in knowing how I am doing.  To them I say keep on asking, but expect to get an occasional weather report or perhaps a wise crack.  When asking me if things are getting better you may hear me reply that if things were better Gwen would be having a cup of coffee with me now.

So, how am I doing, Dear?  Right now: "partly sunny with a slight chance of rain.