NEVER COMPLICATED

She was not a complicated person

the woman I loved all those years

truth flowed from her heart and soul

unfettered to her lips

and then to mine with

never a bite or a sting.

Sweet and kind

was her style

and it became her

even as the dark evil

consumed her body—

never touching her spirit.

that is with me still. 

John A. Bayerl, January 4, 2012

I do feel Gwen's spirit with me; especially lately, when I've missed her so much.  I try to keep busy, make it to the gym regularly, keep the house clean, schedule things to do.  Sometimes, when it seems kind of pointless to do all these good things for myself. I remember how important hope was to Gwen.  Keeping hope alive in the face of cancer wasn't easy.  Sometimes Gwen would ask me what I was going to do with my life after she died.  Often I didn't know how to respond to that question; it put me in a quandary.  One of the things that first attracted us to each other was our ability to openly honestly discuss any and all topics.  In spite of that, I would simply brush off that particular question, not wishing to dash any of her hopes. 

Sometimes I think I may have stayed in denial through it all.   Not Gwen, always straightforward and realistic, she would tell me that I needed to keep on living.  Sometimes I would cringe when she would ask the hospice nurse how long it would be before the cancer took her.  The nurse would give her an answer and then ask if she was OK with that.  "I'm OK, as long as John and the kids are," was how she would reply.  Even then, we were first in her heart.

Memories of what a strong, classy woman you were are all I have left, Dear.  That, and your loving spirit.