THE QUIET EMPTINESS

The quiet emptiness

of the house

is also in my heart

where she once filled

every corner

now it echoes

the sound of sobs

of longing

not despair

proof again

of a love

that had to leave

quiet emptiness.

John A. Bayerl  February 8, 2012

As much as I try to keep busy, these melancholy feelings have been with me every day.  It's not unbearable and I know it's necessary to welcome and stay in touch with them if I am going to find a successful resolution of the grief I feel over the death of my best friend and pal.  The increased intensity of these feelings may have something to with knowing that Sunday will mark another month since she died.  And so, yes, the quiet emptiness I feel when I return to the house after being out in the world is also felt in my heart, and I try then to write about how this makes me feel.  I know that others read what I write, I try not to write for them, but instead to keep in mind why I began doing this in the first place--to honor the memory of a wonderful woman who made my life complete in  so many ways.  It is healthy and healing for me to speak from my heart about the wonderful gift from God that Gwen was.  

In spite of the feelings of sadness that seem to accompany me everywhere, this has been a good day.  My friend, Mary, was supposed to meet me for breakfast, but she woke up thinking it was Wednesday, so I had breakfast alone.   (I sometimes wonder about the fact that there are so many women named Mary in my group of close friends.  First is my sister Mary, then my sister-in-law Mary, friend Mary from the support group, friend Mary from the bereavement group, Mary from STP, Mary in Minnesota whom I'll probably never meet, and Marie, who died before Christmas.  I'll bet I've forgotten some too.)  

It was good getting back with my memoir-writing group this afternoon after a long break.  There are other things planned for this evening, and then tomorrow is a really busy day.  

I leaned back in my chair and took a break from writing this, Dear, and you crawled up on my lap, put your arms around my neck, and gave me a big smooch, right on the lips.  Memories like that help to fill the quiet emptiness.