I was great having breakfast with my sister, Cookie, and her husband, Bob, this morning. Bob cooked me a great omelet, and then we headed off to church for Ray's funeral. The church is kitty corner from the old brick school where I attended grades K-7. What memories that brought back. The Little Room, then The Big Room. Locking the teacher in the cloak room. . .
I felt strange viewing Ray in his casket. Of course, it brought back memories of when it was my sweet Gwen to whom I said goodbye. Later in the day I took a drive by myself to the farm where I grew up, and I felt such a complete sadness, and I wept. I'm wrestling with this. What am I sad about? Of course, I miss Gwen every single moment of every single day, but beyond that there is something I can't quite put my finger on yet. I think I need to write a poem about it; it has to do with trying to rebuild a life with a big hole in the middle. There's also a sense of regret that I didn't enjoy as fully as possible all the moments of joy that Gwen and I shared together. I have to think about this in the car tomorrow.
In the afternoon I visited with a friend with whom I've had many e-mail contacts. It was a welcoming homecoming.
In the evening I had dinner with my best friend from high school, Bob, his wife Carol, and Jim, a cousin. Perfect! Later, although I was tired, Bob was able to talk me into a visit to his home. I'm so glad I did. He has completely remodeled an older home, building all the cabinets and closets himself. It was good to relax for a while with an old friend.
This is kind of hodge-podge, but I needed to write down some words.
Gosh, how I missed you today, Dear, it was just wrong that you weren't with me.
I felt strange viewing Ray in his casket. Of course, it brought back memories of when it was my sweet Gwen to whom I said goodbye. Later in the day I took a drive by myself to the farm where I grew up, and I felt such a complete sadness, and I wept. I'm wrestling with this. What am I sad about? Of course, I miss Gwen every single moment of every single day, but beyond that there is something I can't quite put my finger on yet. I think I need to write a poem about it; it has to do with trying to rebuild a life with a big hole in the middle. There's also a sense of regret that I didn't enjoy as fully as possible all the moments of joy that Gwen and I shared together. I have to think about this in the car tomorrow.
In the afternoon I visited with a friend with whom I've had many e-mail contacts. It was a welcoming homecoming.
In the evening I had dinner with my best friend from high school, Bob, his wife Carol, and Jim, a cousin. Perfect! Later, although I was tired, Bob was able to talk me into a visit to his home. I'm so glad I did. He has completely remodeled an older home, building all the cabinets and closets himself. It was good to relax for a while with an old friend.
This is kind of hodge-podge, but I needed to write down some words.
Gosh, how I missed you today, Dear, it was just wrong that you weren't with me.
1 comment:
I find it very strange how some days although busy and often most pleasing, with good things filling the long hours do seem to make one sad. Is it the desire to want to share these days with your missing loved one? Perhaps it is.
Not sure I understand your sentance "There's also a sense of regret that I didn't enjoy as fully as possible all the moments of joy that Gwen and I shared together." But you did! You really did! You can recall so many wonderful times together, your writing shows this -such beautiful memories. It shows you were attentive and lived them too. I think we all have thoughts and worries that did we always do our best? Me often thinking did I give my upmost attention to every meal, every need, every detail. I think I did and my friends and family always assure me that this was so. I gave 'almost my life' to Hamada's care and it's probably most silly to think this way - but we do, don't we. Do not live with regret John - I know it's easy to say but we must live with the joy and wonderful memories that our dear ones brought to us and our families. We must not fail even though we must rebuild a life with a hole in it, as you say so well. Blessings and a cyber hug.
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