Courting Gwen

When I look at  pictures of Gwen taken through the years and realize yet again what a beautiful woman she was, I sometimes experience a rather unique feeling; I am jealous of myself. Jealous of the guy she wound up sharing her life and love with.  That, of course, was me. We didn't always get along, over the course of 50 years there were bound to be many misunderstandings, and periods of what we came to call "silent movies", those times when we weren't speaking to each other.  As most couples who are in it for the long haul learn to do, we found ways to resolve our differences and tried always to live by the "don't let the sun set on your anger" rule.   The point I'm getting to is that for the entire time that Gwen was ill it would have been laughable and totally ridiculous to get caught up in one of those "silent movies". What a wast of time that would have been. When time is all that matters, there is nothing more precious than time.

Early on in our relationship things didn't always go smoothly either, as evidenced by a poem I wrote then:

COURTING GWEN

Some words fall on a young man’s ears

And cause him a world of joy,

Words like “success” and “I love you dear”

Will never him annoy.

And there are words to trouble his mind,

That cause him naught but woe,

These words come from lips of wine

The words are “I don’t know.”

For a young man’s world consists of dreams

Of a future filled with bliss,

Of someone to share in all his schemes,

Of loving that uncertain Miss.

But dreams must be built on certainty,

On faith, devotion and trust,

Less they someday become non-reality,

And lie shattered to bitter dust.

                                                       John A. Bayerl,  circa winter, 1962

Ignoring the really bad poetry, (I  removed the last stanza, it was stupid, something about feeling nine feet tall.),  it tickles me now  that even then I could see that my future bride was someone who would complete my life.  Just today I heard a friend talking about someone who, when his wife was diagnosed with cancer, decided to leave her.  This is not an uncommon occurrence, and it is not up to me to judge the circumstances that lead to such a decision.  For me, I was so jealous of myself for all those years that there was simply no way I would ever, ever consider leaving that woman to whom I had entrusted my soul all those years earlier.