My bed is way too big.

The sun shone most of yesterday and that made everything better.   Last night I attended a mass at 5:00 that was said for Gwen's intention.  I met a support group friend who joined me with her significant other.  We went out for a little pizza and salad later.  It was then that I remembered  that I had been her boyfriend's guidance counselor in junior high school way back when we first moved to Ann Arbor.  I joked with him, it must have seemed strange to have someone who was only ten years old as a guidance counselor.  I don't feel that old.

Nights are always a little tough, I try to maintain many of the rituals and routines that Gwen and I followed.  It's still hard to be alone in bed. Doing many of the thing I did with Gwen like writing, reading, even reading aloud, and talking with her about my day helps some.  Sooner or later it's time to turn off the lights.  That's the time when a great sadness can often overtake me.  It's reality hitting me square in the face and there's no denying it.  A while ago I learned that it helps if at a time like that I do the loving thing and ask Gwen to be there with me.  I don't wish to go into detail about how or why this works, but it does.  The poem that follows is my attempt at capturing what that feels like:

EMPTY BED

Each night

When I finish reading

I come to the same realization

My bed is way too big

It’s so empty

Without her.

I invite her to join me

She always does

I’m safe for another night

Until morning comes

Pull up the sheets and blanket

Fluff the pillow on that big bed.

We were told about the empty nest

No one thought to warn me

About the empty bed.

John A. Bayerl, January 30, 2011

I am quite certain that no one could have warned me about the empty bed.  I've learned that there are certain things that must be experienced before I can talk about them with any sense of authenticity and integrity-- back to the idea that things don't mean anything until they mean something.  Being able to feel Gwen's presence in bed with me is such a blessing.  As soon as I am able to do that I drift off to sleep.  In the morning when I make the bed it doesn't seem all that big.