NOTHING TO EXPLAIN

The emotional roller-coaster ride continues.  This morning my spirits were high as I observed Kara performing her duties as a student teacher in a second-grade classroom.  She and Becky, her cooperating teacher, had prepared the class in advance, and when I walked into the classroom they all said: "Good morning, Dr. B."  It's been a while since I've been that moved.  Crying is good.  For the rest of the hour I was privileged to once again see someone in action who loves what she does and does it well.  As I watched, I reflected that the many current critics of public education would be well served by spending a week in a classroom like the one I was in.  I used my i-Phone to take a snippet of a video of the class room to use in my report later.  I thought to myself: "Gwen will enjoy seeing. . .Oops.

Yesterday's experience was similar.  After playing nine hole with Ed, he went home, and I stayed and played the back nine by myself.  It was quiet on the course, there weren't many other players, and I enjoyed being alone, having my conversations with Gwen.  As I was coming down the eighteenth fairway I was hit by a thought I frequently have about how unfair it is that I was in good health, enjoying myself, and Gwen wasn't there to enjoy it with me.  Sadness overtook me, and I had no choice but to lean my head on the steering wheel of the cart and have a good cry.  Afterwards I felt better, somehow more alive, and once again engaged in the internal dialogue that ends up with me reminding myself to be grateful for the many years of life and love that Gwen and I shared.  And then there are our four beautiful children, my brothers and sister, Gwen's brother and sister, and my many relatives and friends.  Many people aren't at all that fortunate.  Be thankful, John!

One of the things I am grateful for is Gwen's straightforward, in a confused sort of way, manner of expressing the love that she and I shared from the start:

NOTHING TO EXPLAIN

“I can’t explain,

it’s  just the way it is;”

is how you described

the miracle of our love.

There was never any doubt,

never anything to explain,

it was just the way it was—

perfect!

  

John A. Bayerl, September 4, 2011

We move forward, Dear; not always in a straight line, it's more that roller coaster.