Sleep is always an issue with those of us who are forced to confront cancer and its aftermath. Sometimes, when depression rears its ugly head, too much sleep is the issue. (A long time ago a friend described depression to me as "Preferrring to wallow in the dirty bath water rather than step out clean.") More frequently, as was, and continues to be the case with me, not being able to sleep is a common occurence. Way back in September of 2009, I had one of those nights where I couldn't sleep, and, rather than fight it, I wrote a poem about it.
TOSSING AND TURNING
At 3:13 a. m.,
when sleep won’t come,
is the time
the many mantras
prolifically parroted
by positivity police
lose their meaning,
and we appreciate
moments in the company of friends
who share and understand
sleepless nights;
when we dare to peer deeply
into the quiet corners
of our hearts,
where the pain lies.
John A. Bayerl
September, 2009
Most nights, Gwen and I had little trouble sleeping because of our pre-sleep ritual. She loved it when I would read to her, and, because of some after effects of total brain radiation, she really liked it if I would scratch her scalp while I was reading. (Sometimes I think it's so silly; these little things we remember that have such great emotional impact now. It's always the little things, isn't it?) So, for many a night, I scratched her head while reading all three of the "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" series to her. Yes, I read all those Swedish words out loud, as best as I could. Then, we would read something spiriutal or biblical to settle us down for the evening.
The friends I refer to in the poem are those support group members, Gwen's survivor group and my caregiver group, who meant so much to us in our battle with cancer, as well as our many friends and relatives everywhere. The over the top alliteration having to do with the "positivity police" has an explanation. Both Gwen and I always took exception to what we considered to be a simplistic view that if we just stayed "positive" everything would be fine. This isn't to say that we were proponents of a negative point-of-view. We just felt that "positive" was such an arbitrary designation. I often liken it to the posts on the battery in your car; one has a + sign on it, and the other has a - sign on it. That's all there is to it, it's the interaction between those two posts that makes it possible for your car to go down the road, not the + sign on one of the posts. And, isn't that how it is with life? It is the positive energy that is generated in my interactions with the many friends and family who have shown me such love in the days since I lost my perfect partner that helps me through those sleepless nights. Bless you, each one of you.
1 comment:
I'm happy you've decided to write a blog, John. You have much to share and your writing talent is a real blessing.
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