What I know to be true, and what I feel in my heart.

Friday and Sunday nights continue to be a problem for me.  Friday nights are synonymous with the joy I felt at being reunited with Gwen after a week of being apart and, a lifetime later, having her physical presence leave me.  On Sunday nights I would begin missing Gwen the moment she walked into the house and I backed out or her driveway and headed for Birch Creek.  Then, of course, I could feel her lips on mine all the way home, and look forward to next Friday night.  The hard part now is not being able to look forward to the next Friday night; when I would once again feel her lips on mine.  

  Sunday night, after Anne left for the airport, I had this forlorn feeling, that it just wasn't  right that Gwen wasn’t there with me to say goodbye to her, and it would be just me in the house again after she left.  Gwen needs to be here with me; we weren’t through loving each other.  It was cloudy and cold, and, as night began to fall I remembered Gwen once saying, “my mood reflects the weather—gloomy.” 

I wrote these words to a friend today, “the battle between what we know to be true cognitively and what we feel in our heart is at the core of our pain.”  My friend also talked about her struggle to restore meaning, value and identity to her life.  We face that struggle every day of our life, but it becomes so much more difficult when the one who automatically added those things to our life isn’t here to do it.  Now family and friends do that for us, but, face it, it will never be the same.

There are thing for which I am grateful.  Singing in the choir at church was special yesterday when a string quartet accompanied us.  After that Anne and I drove to Brighton where we met John, Amy and Brooke for brunch. . .nothing to be sad about there.  My plan to drive to Hershey to visit with Mike and Deann next weekend is firmed up; in spite of my melancholy mood, there is much for which to be grateful.

This morning, Dear, as I was typing this, out of the corner of my eye I saw Max standing and looking out the window while you scratched behind his ears.  Of course, Max had only one thought in his mind, there are squirrels running around out there!  I had only one thought in mind; I’ll go sit on the couch with Gwen and rub her feet.  Meaning, value and identity will once again be mine.  (No, kids, that part about Max doesn't mean what you think it does.)