DUALITY

DUALITY

There’s the me

that always was

and always will be

everyone sees me.

Then there’s the other me

that loves her

as she loves me

no one sees me.

And so I live in that duality,

sometimes the public I

mostly it’s a private I.

It sounds like I may be kidding.

I’m not.

John A. Bayerl, December 2, 2012

This is my weak attempt at putting into words what it feels like to learn how to be who I am without Gwen at my side.  This seems to be a topic that I keep returning to.  What it's about is sometimes being in the public eye and at other times being a private eye.  

It's easy being in the public eye.  I know how to do it.  I've been doing it all these years.  The only time I may be a little ill at ease is at events where everyone is there with a spouse or significant other.  Even that is getting easier now; people either know that I am a widower, (It is so hard to type that word.) or they don't.  With those who don't know I can always play the sympathy card by telling them about the beautiful person they never got to meet.  

The private I is a little more difficult.  It is being a private eye in the sense of having to do some detective work in order to find out who I am becoming.  Even here I'm a lucky guy because I have four children, sisters and brothers and friends with whom I can let down the gates and talk frankly about what my options might be, and, more importantly how desperately I sometimes miss Gwen.  Although I don't yet have a clear sense of direction, I do have a sense that I'm going somewhere and that there may be better times ahead.  Dare I say that?   

Today has been another interesting day.  This afternoon I observed Nolan, a student teacher at Pioneer High here in Ann Arbor.  His supervising teacher, Steve, is an old friend, Gwen and I often saw him at church with his family.  A classroom with 36 AP Physics students in it is about as public as it gets.  On the other extreme, I also had a most intimate conversation with Mary, a dear friend from the caregiver support group we attended together.  There was more intimacy when I was able to visit with a couple of counselor friends whom I know at Pioneer.  Intimate may be a bit strong;  these are friends whom I prize and cherish, and it is possible to reveal that private I with them.  

Here it is, another Friday night, Dear, and it's about that time of day when the realization set in that I would soon lose you.  A dear friend said something very comforting today when she told me that my appreciation of all that you were to me in this world prepares me well for when we are together again in the next.  I still enjoy that image of you smiling and waving at me as you tell me that you've been waiting for me all along.