Lover's Key, Florida

Lover's Key, Florida
I WILL FIND OTHER SEAS.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

QUESTIONS

I promised myself a laid-back day today, and have had just that.  Aside from finishing a little laundry, taking care of some bills, making a few phone calls and doing a little gardening, I've taken it pretty easy today.  I did have my singing lesson this afternoon and after that I attended a Mass that was said for Gwen's intention.  I also had a nice long talk with brother Andy and Cindy's sister, Isabelle, the master photographer.

I keep going back to what it felt like to be back in the U. P. last week.  There were many bright spots; teaching the class with son John was a rare and remarkable experience that not many dads get to appreciate.  Of course, had I been able to talk about it with Gwen, it would have been that much sweeter.  Seeing many former students and being able to spend time with staff members in the School of Education also brought back warm memories.  One of the highlights of my visit with Cookie and Bob was being able to sleep on THE WATER BED!  It brought back such great memories of  Gwen and me sharing that unique experience.

 I want always to maintain my connection with Gwen's family, and it was such a treat to spend time with Ted and Jackie and Jill and Tara, and,  most fortunately, T. J. was there with his family--the beauty of the baby's mother was surpassed only by that of the baby himself.  Then, of course, there was the dinner with Todd and Tammy that I've already written about.  In a couple of weeks I'll spend some time with Patti in  Gaastra, and I also hope to see Terry at that time.  I also need to mention that Jackie provided another highlight by preparing a meal that only a true Yooper could appreciate; pickle and bologna sandwiches on white bread and a desert of rhubarb crisp that was out of this world.

That was the good stuff, there were also many times when I found myself alone and had time to reflect on the difficulty of trying to figure out what life  AG will be like.  It still seems so wrong that Gwen and I could be enjoying life to the fullest now, but instead I'm writing this blog about what it's like to be without her.  I just don't know if I'll ever again feel that sense of oneness that came so easily with my sweetheart.  I'm getting pretty old that's the truth of it.  Meanwhile I miss her all the time; here's a poem about what that's like:


QUESTIONS

Make the bed,
fluff the pillows,
smooth the wrinkled blanket,
ready for another day.

Then the sadness settles in.

Is it that picture of her
in her youthful beauty?
The one that announced
the good news of our engagement?
Or the thousands of reminders
of her that assault me daily?
Or, simply the seven month
accumulation of delayed grief?

Who knows?
Who is to say?
What’s for sure is this;
the tears in my eyes
are the most real thing
in my world.

John A. Bayerl, June 14, 2011

Dear, it was much better when the most real thing in my world was the love we shared.  You know what I mean.







1 comment:

A Myeloma Widow's Journey said...

Such a lovely poem, John.

And that's not just for Yoopers ... I loved pickle and bologna sandwiches on white bread growing up in Adrian. Rhubarb crisp, too.