SHE KNEW ME

My session with Dave went well this morning, I've felt particularly vulnerable and close to the surface lately, so it was good to get a lot of stuff out.  It's hard to imagine, but in my mind I know that some day I will look back at this time in my life, probably read some of the things I've written, and see in all of it the core of whatever stability I may have in my life at that time.  In my heart I only know that I must embrace the pain today if I am ever going to experience the joy yet to come.  Pretty heavy, but true.

So, the weather's been great, and I took Ed up on his offer to play some golf.  I got to the course early and played five holes before he arrived.  We then played 18 holes, so I'm pretty golfed out tonight.  Later in the evening my nephew, Tom, and his son, Sam, stopped by for a visit.  Sam will be living in Ann Arbor for a while, and the place where he is going to stay is practically around the corner from me.  What a great opportunity for us to get to know each other better, and Sam will be able to keep an eye on the house when I decide to go somewhere like I did last week.  My visit with Sam and Tom certainly made my day.

A friend from Baltimore who is in an online bereavement group in which I participate is in town while her daughter attends a softball camp at The University of Michigan.  She has also been to Grand Rapids where her son will enroll in college in the fall.  We plan to get together for lunch at my house tomorrow--I'm looking forward to it; we meet all kinds of really caring people in a chat room, and it is a rare privilege when we get a chance to meet them in person.

In spite of all the diversions, Gwen is never far from my thoughts and always in my heart.  From the very beginning we called it a miracle that we had found each other:

SHE KNEW ME

She knew me,

saw behind all the bluster,

the bluff, the guff;

knew the good, the praiseworthy,

loved

the exciting ever new adventure

we called our life—together.

Each day now I grieve anew

that I no longer awake

to the miracle in my life

who knew me so well

and loved me anyway.

John A. Bayerl, June 29, 2011

John told me that today he and Brooke cleaned out the camper to "grandma's high standard."  As they completed the scrubbing and cleaning an eagle flew over the woods near their home.  As John said, "not too subtle."  I too felt your presence today, Dear; it was a perfect summer day, the only thing that could have made it better would have been for you to be enjoying it with me.