EVERYTHING CHANGES

Today I sorted through three weeks worth of mail; somehow that made me feel officially back to the life I lead before I departed on my trip. One of the pieces of mail I received was a card from Lou Ann, one of the people I stayed with in Washington.  It touched my heart to hear her say that her house felt lonely after I left--I know exactly what that feels like. It also gave me warm feelings yesterday when my friend, Dick, whom I also visited in Tacoma, called just to say hello.  Our friendship has lasted through many years and major life changes.

It was good to get out and play golf this morning.  At one point I placed a ball marker on a green, and announced that I had "panked" it down.  Gwen and I had endless debates about this word; one that she and her mother invented.  The word "packed' seems drab by comparison: she and her mom panked down many things: snow, carpeting, a hair-do, just about anything that had to be pushed down and made smooth.  It was futile for me to attempt to convince her of the merits of any other word that might fit those situations. It felt so good to say panked this morning.    (Were Gwen with me today, I would point out that Spell Check agrees with me that it is not a legitimate word.  She of course would reply: "What do they know?")

After league play, I  played another round, by myself..  Again, it felt good to get back into a  routine of sorts. Being in nature, even if it is only on a golf course, has a curative and therapeutic effect; this morning I was more keenly aware that Gwen is gone than I have been in a long while.  Then the melancholy sets in. . .

Anne is stopping by for a quick overnight tomorrow while she is in Detroit on business.  I am indeed blessed with the strength in the family that Gwen and I helped create.

Today, my friend, Ginette, said this in a communication: "My soul is tired."  Four words, but they encapsulate those moments when the realization comes anew that the one true love in your life is gone forever.  It changes everything:

EVERYTHING CHANGES

It changes everything

when the one you promised

to cherish always

is gone forever.

I don’t think there’s any way to prepare;

at least not for me.

Life becomes so much narrower;

make it through the day

is all that matters. . .

find things to do until nightfall,

and sometimes blessed sleep.

Remember how your heart would leap

at the mere thought of her.

Let the sweet memories emerge,

cling to the joy in them,

Keep her close in your heart;

find your faith, today will pass,

tomorrow will come.

John A. Bayerl, August 25, 2011

You would ask if I was ready to be without you, Dear, and I always answered that I was.  What did I know?. . .