On Being a Widow

All-in-all, it's been a pretty good day; golf in the morning, a really nice visit with brother Dick, and then  home where I got caught up on  a lot of chores in the kitchen.  This morning, as I was having breakfast, the movie Cool Runnings, about the Jamaican Bobsled team in the 1988 Olympics, was on TV.  I don't watch much TV anymore,  but I became engrossed in the story, and recorded the last half hour so that I could watch it later, which I did.  It's so much easier for me to cry nowadays, and I had tears in my eyes at the end of the movie.  This must have been in preparation for what was to happened next.  One of the things that came in today's mail was my car insurance bill, and, as I looked at the policy, under Marital Status was listed "Widowed."  It's only an accurate description of my marital status, but I hadn't seen it in writing before, and it was one of those moments that sharply outlines reality for me.  So, I cried some more.  Also in the mail was a card from a friend of my sister's whose wife died recently.  He thanked me for the card I had sent him and then talked about how hard it is to have the center of one's life taken away--I knew exactly what he was talking about. 

Later this evening I called Gwen's sister, Patti, to get directions for making coleslaw that she served one evening while I was visiting with her.  As I dialed her number it struck me that I still have that number committed to memory--why wouldn't I?  I've been dialing it for 50 years.  It brought back such fond, loving memories of times when I would be lonely for Gwen, and I would drive to a pay phone in Menominee, put in the proper amount of coins, dial her number, and then feel something bordering on disbelief that the that always came from hearing her say "I love you."  It took me a long time to feel like I was worthy of those words; she was so special in my heart.

I miss you always, Dear, and am grateful for these loving memories of you.