April 12, an important date.

Aside from the fact that I had a golf lesson this morning and then, since the sun was shining, I spent a little time on the course practicing what I learned.; all day long I've thinking it is important for me to write in this blog todayl

It's early evening now, and it was about this time, five months ago, that Gwen's coughing became notably worse, and, within a short time, I would have to see what I could never have imagined,  her lying dead in bed.  We knew that there was always going to be another day, and it was inconceivable that it had come to an end.  It is that feeling of finality that is perhaps the most difficult for me to accept, even now.   I must accept the finality of that and do what I can to continue bringing the love that Gwen and I shared to the world each day.  But, on days like today, I feel justified in wallowing in my grief a bit.

There is an up side to this day.  It was on this date in 1962 that Gwen and I discovered that we had fallen deeply in love with each other.  Even now I am able to recall the joyous certainty of saying the words "I love you" to her, and the bliss I felt when she repeated them to me. Then, of course, her always-pragmatic reasoning led her to say, "Maybe we ought to think about getting married."  Oh happy day!    Reliving that joy helps to ease the pain of being separated from my perfect partner.  Of course, the memory of that young love also sharpens the pain of her loss.

There is a humorous side to this.  In an earlier blog I wrote about how we moved to Marquette right after our marriage so that I could take a course that I needed to enroll in the program at the UM in the fall.  Then, of course we moved to Ann Arbor and Gwen worked at the Veteran's Hospital while I attended school.  At the end of that year, son John was born and we moved to Reedsville, Wisconsin.  A year later, daughter Jeanne was born, and we moved to Portaland, Oregon, where I would again pursue graduate studies.  We then moved to Flint, and stability came into our life--it was two years before we moved again.  Son Michael was born in Flint, and, following our move to Ann Arbor, our daughter Anne Marie came into our lives.  I don't recall that there was ever a moment when Gwen looked me in the eyes and said, "John, now look what you did, we have four kids and  we forgot to take a  honeymoon!" Although our marriage suffered from being "honeymoon challenged," we never felt deprived in that way.  Life had been good to us and we enjoyed every moment of it.

 What happened five months ago need to be grieved.  Beautiful memories from a  life-time of love need to be celebrated.  These anniversary dates also fill me with gratitude for the four children Gwen had such an important role in raising.  They don't know it, but I see so much of her in them, especially  the way they never fail to tell me that they love me, and the way they show that love by being available but never intrusive and by being there for me without being all over me.  Thanks, kids.   (Oh, gee, I got such tears in my eyes as I typed that last part.  Thanks, Gwen.)