Today I did some work in the garden; picture tomorrow. It's been another hot day, I wanted to mow the lawn, but that will have to wait until tomorrow as the rain has now moved in. Also did the laundry and some other chores around the house and yard. It always feel good to be doing things, even though today there was some sweat involved. When I awoke this morning I again had that strange feeling of non-reality that Gwen won't ever be here again. I'm beginning to accept that, but still struggle as I try to put together a life without her loving presence.
Just looked out the window, and the sun is out again; think I'll mow the lawn.
It felt to get out and walk behind the lawn mower. Part of me was thinking about what a sad picture I must make; this old guy mowing his lawn on a Saturday night. Get a life! As I was mowing the back yard, Dan, our neighbor came out and we shot the breeze for a while. He really loved the work I did on the garden today; picture tomorrow. Soon his wife, Robin, joined him, and he hugged her as they talked with me. There's always that complex of emotions when I see that, some resentment that I no longer am able to put my arm around Gwen as she stands by my side. (I've looked at many pictures of Gwen and me; in every one of them where we are together I am hugging her, and she looks as though she loves it.) Yet, as I looked at Dan and Robin, I was very happy that they were enjoying and sharing the love that brought them together while they could--I always feel that way when I am around happily married people. Gwen and I had our chance and our time, and we made the best of it. I loved her the best way I knew how to do, and she did the same for me. I mourn the loss of what we had, but also feel gratitude that we found each other and were able to fully celebrate the miracle of our love.
Don't know what got me so sentimental tonight, Dear, but it felt good to awaken and remember all the good times we shared.
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