The most wonderful thing was my visit to the gift shop where Gwen bought me the faceless figurine a year ago last Christmas. I had been near the place a couple of times, but couldn't bring myself to go inside, those "firsts" are always so hard. Yesterday was no exception. Wouldn't you know, just as I'm about to enter the store, a young woman pushing her mother in a wheelchair came trundling down the sidewalk. I held the door open for them, just as I am sure someone did for Gwen and me. I entered the store, bought a few things, among them a faceless figurine ornament holding a heart. On the back it says "Held in the heart forever." You'll like this, Gwen, it was 75% off. As I was paying for the things I bought I had to tell the owner about the last time I had been in her store, with Gwen, and that Gwen died in November. She had tears in her eyes as she hugged me and made me take a couple of chocolates for later. I know, Gwen, embarrassing.
Now that I have time, I find myself recalling and relishing these moments that at the time may have seemed so ordinary. I think that how it works for me as I come to grips with the loss of my perfect partner. Not an ordinary event by any stretch of the imagination was when Gwen and I decided to own a cottage on St. Joseph Island, about an hour east of the Soo in Canada. Such fond memories:
COTTAGE ON ST. JOE ISLAND
Throughout our life together,
beginning with the spring night
when she said
you know what, John,
we should think about getting married,
all of my good ideas
were hers first.
Let’s get a cottage on an island in Canada.
Sure.
We loved the cry of the loons.
owning a moon
that flat out bounced from the lake,
seeing stars we’d never seen.
Never thought I’d drive
a Honda Four-Wheeler
loaded with pudding stones.
The people were the best
Carmen and Linda
and their kids
best neighbors ever.
This spring I’ll go back
to visit St. Joseph Island
and the cottage we sold.
It will be hard
as are most things these days
that bring her near
but this one especially
the loons, pudding stones
the couch by the stove.
John A. Bayerl, March 3, 2011
Thank you, lover, for all of my good ideas that you gave me. That one about getting married was a really good one.
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