Lover's Key, Florida

Lover's Key, Florida
I WILL FIND OTHER SEAS.

Monday, March 28, 2011

I LOOK AWAY

It's been another busy day.  Golf lesson first thing this morning, Dave, the instructor, is just plain amazing.  In an hour I may swing the club maybe 30 times.  Yet, there is progress.  Maybe it's his patience that I admire most of all.  Speaking of which, I think I need people to be patient with me, this has been another of those days when I seem to have regressed a bit.  There's no other way to say it, I miss my wife all the time.  Those who tell me how she's in a better place mean well, and I have to believe that the love we shared for all those years doesn't simply end with death.  But, she's no longer here, and I miss her.

This morning, after the golf, I went to the gym, and was there at a time when many of the people were there who knew Gwen when she would go to workouts there with me.  In a funny sort of way I find myself resenting their presence and their well-meaning attempts to engage me in conversation.  I'm just not ready for that yet, and I don't quite know how to handle it, so, I avoid it, but it's deeper than that, as this poem tries to describe:


I LOOK AWAY

I can’t look them in the eyes,
those who wish me well,
I’m not usually rude like that,
I just can’t do it—

not yet, I feel like
when they see my eyes
they see my soul, and
my soul’s not ready for that,
not now, it still feels pain
every day, every hour, every breath
I take reminds me I’m alive
and she’s not, here with me.

It can’t be hurried, or rushed.
The precious loneliness can’t be shared,
discovered, with a glance, a look, a stare.
I have no choice, I look aside,
I look down, I look away.
Better to be rude.

John A. Bayerl, March 27, 2011

A long time ago you said these words to me:  I love you and will always miss you when you're not with me.  Forever.  I wish we didn't ever have to be apart.  Now it is I who says those words every day; not in a melodramatic way, but simply stating a fact, I miss you and wish we didn't ever have to be apart.  But we are.  We are.  That's just the way it worked out, and now we're into the forever part.

No comments: