I LOOK AWAY

It's been another busy day.  Golf lesson first thing this morning, Dave, the instructor, is just plain amazing.  In an hour I may swing the club maybe 30 times.  Yet, there is progress.  Maybe it's his patience that I admire most of all.  Speaking of which, I think I need people to be patient with me, this has been another of those days when I seem to have regressed a bit.  There's no other way to say it, I miss my wife all the time.  Those who tell me how she's in a better place mean well, and I have to believe that the love we shared for all those years doesn't simply end with death.  But, she's no longer here, and I miss her.

This morning, after the golf, I went to the gym, and was there at a time when many of the people were there who knew Gwen when she would go to workouts there with me.  In a funny sort of way I find myself resenting their presence and their well-meaning attempts to engage me in conversation.  I'm just not ready for that yet, and I don't quite know how to handle it, so, I avoid it, but it's deeper than that, as this poem tries to describe:

I LOOK AWAY

I can’t look them in the eyes,

those who wish me well,

I’m not usually rude like that,

I just can’t do it—

not yet, I feel like

when they see my eyes

they see my soul, and

my soul’s not ready for that,

not now, it still feels pain

every day, every hour, every breath

I take reminds me I’m alive

and she’s not, here with me.

It can’t be hurried, or rushed.

The precious loneliness can’t be shared,

discovered, with a glance, a look, a stare.

I have no choice, I look aside,

I look down, I look away.

Better to be rude.

John A. Bayerl, March 27, 2011

A long time ago you said these words to me:  I love you and will always miss you when you're not with me.  Forever.  I wish we didn't ever have to be apart.  Now it is I who says those words every day; not in a melodramatic way, but simply stating a fact, I miss you and wish we didn't ever have to be apart.  But we are.  We are.  That's just the way it worked out, and now we're into the forever part.