A VISIT

Last night, before going to sleep I began again doing something I had been in the habit of doing before Gwen died; I kept a notebook at my bedside and listed things that day for which I was grateful.  Yesterday there were many thing for which I was grateful, the great meal at Terri and Roy's house and being able once again visit with Jim and Marlene and Dick and Mary was certainly one.  When I returned home John, Amy and Brooke paid me a visit for a while; always fun; Brooke get sweeter by the day.  I heard from my online friend Ginette who is always able to give me another way to look at things, and even had time to finish my laundry.  Count your blessings.

This has been an unusual day.  The weather was great for golf this morning; even birdied a hole--a couple of triple bogeys took care of any boost that may have temporarily given my belief that I will someday be able to predict with a fair amount of certainty that when I hit the ball it will do something other than generally land somewhere in front of me.  I spent the rest of the day vacillating between feeling almost contented and at peace to moments when I could think of nothing other than how lonely my life is without Gwen is and enjoy a nice cry.  Sometimes, when I'm feeling edgy like that, it helps to go to the 5:00 Mass at St. Mary Student Chapel.  As always, it got me centered, and I wrote this when I got home:

A VISIT

I sit in church by myself

in the seats where we sat

together for all those years.

I’m reminded of  how,

after her mother died,

she would see her,

perched on a statue.

I stare at the modern Madonna

statue, no one appears.

There beneath the stained glass

window with my middle name

on it, the flickering flame of a candle

draws my attention, and I wait.

She takes her seat next to me

takes my hand, leans toward me

kisses me on the neck,

the cheek, then my lips

welcome hers, warm

and passionate as always.

I feel the familiar shiver

down my spine as she

 kisses my ear, softly

whispers that she must leave.

I am once again alone,

 an empty seat beside me.

For a while, she’s a little less gone.

John A. Bayerl, May 23, 2011

The first thing I'll put on my gratitude list today will be the nice visit we had in church today.  Each day I get a little more accustomed to my new version of reality, the one with the big hole in the middle where you used to be. I put a new picture on my blog profile today; the one of the two of us standing side by side on the beach in Naples, Florida, two or three years ago, I love those pictures where we are standing solidly together; exactly how we made our way through life and love.